Dreams of Dreams

Do the lesser we think, do we started to be stupid? Or just drawn out and run from it? For me it depends, I’ve been on some situation and did different kind of things to surpass it. I didn’t get the chance to run away or hide. All I always do is go straight ahead without even thinking. So, these dreams either become my reality to go through and to be questioned the fact, an obstacle, a test paper, a pop quiz of my life, WHATEVER! Grinding my head for questions with no answers, so much for my nightmares. There is this song called Violet Skies sang by In this Moment. I want to emphasize the lines they created base in dreams to become it's realities.

Dulling from within to find a reason for it all
Lost for years
In the storm
Waiting for the rain to stop me from washing me away
I held on tight
Awaiting night

And I lay me down to sleep
And find a world where I was free

Imagine a place
Where dreams lead the way
And all of your colors fade the grey
Imagine the dream
Now close both your eyes
Fall into the violet skies

Deep inside your eyes it shows
You've been lost for too long
Out of touch
On the edge
I promise you will find a way
I found a pathway home
I'll carry you
You're not alone

Dreams that gives way, imagining things not to be lost and not to be alone. Creating a world that perfect and running away from reality is great, yet sad.

Wishful thinking that I am not here, confession of my deepest darkest secret. To be able to open in the public (front page!) what lies beneath me. A way to make my own wall that this is me. No! I want to sleep. Closing my eyes seeing darkness that impossible to erase everything. But, I never loose hope because I can face a brand new day again just like I always do when settling things in my life after a great tragedy. But according to the song imagine that leads a way. So I imagine a place where I can be free or a place where it can lead somewhere peace and no more agony that my heart drowning in too much. I’ve dreamed of my own world, a perfect world where in I create my greates escape, my feelings between the lines. I believe in that world of my own were serene conquers and tranquility spread through out in everything. It's just me and my dream world. A green grass covers the earth, field of flowers that dance in the wind, cold yet warm breeze; warm within my heart, beautiful sun and sky, tall and big trees; the sound of a river, sounds like a dream to me. A world I created for me to run.

Humans are the World's Strangest Creatures

There are indefinite things in this world that remain unexplained. No matter how wierd it is, mankind will always observe it. It will be always be so with mankind. It is the imagination and the past. Person, Mankind, People. People are world's strangest creatures. Sometimes I don't understand the way they feel in human, in things, in natures. For me it becomes random and uncertain.

I, you, them, people, person, EVERYONE! You don't belond only to yourself; there isn't anything in this world that belongs to only yourself. Everyone has connections to someone else and shared something with them through these; that is why you can never be free that is also why it is amusing, sad and dear. Giving up, saving others not for your own sake, but for others; how fascinating in sight. Is that a selfish in act? You, an important part of their life gets hurt just for their sake, just to make them feel better; but never some to realize that you hurt them by doing so throwing your own well-being out just like that. Do you think something you can throw out easily can be exchanged for something important? Even someone trying to give their best for you, trying their very hard, yet we just trhow that without a second thought. In other words the person that protect us from something you treat as trash like yourself for their sake, so you wouldn't care just make sure they're allright even you are harmed. People who think of you dearly; without even understanding that, you don't give any value to yourself. You dislike others being hurt, yet you allow yourself to be wounded; without even knowing how much it may hurt someone elese who cares for you, which is your proposition. Dreams, I dreamed more of it, somehow it's painful to watch, to see, to feel, and to realize how the world works upon living. It occurs to me that things will never work out not unless there is something for exchange.

Prophetic dreams, a dream that becomes reality, or more accurately, a dream that sees what is going to occur. Most people can buy dreams that is for good luck, I never thought of that. People who pay for nightmares are few and far between. If there are people who wish for tranquility it becomes a farewell present to the people who never breathe again.

Do you believe in destiny? Destiny refers to an event that would definitely happen. Without it nothing is impossible. From one thing, you see many other things can be imagined. Nothing in this world happened by random. For everything you desire, you have to pay an equal price in return. You can't get more nor give more... It can't be more or less. Must be in balance, or else there'll be mishaps. Whether it is a meeting by chance or a major event, every occurence will affect the future, because man's path of life is not only unstoppable but also never ending. The smalled thing, the shortest amount of time, the littliest piece of record or memory; the face that accompanies it will never disappear.

Me as someone that should not be here. Me someone should not be in people's lives. it's painful for me right now, it hurts even more inside.

What more is there be if everything is inevitable? There is meaning and purposes in everything that happens. However, is all too rare for anyone to understand the entire meaning. To find meaning in each of the unaccountable events happening everyday to every person it vexes the mind by considering it. However, even realizing that single event may have meaning in itself that alone has significance. I believe asking one self why has it's own meaning once you realize that all there circumstances leads you down a path, that knowledge sticks with you and you're unable to turn back. The next step is wherever you choose have that will to survive.

Allusions never indicates similarity nor do they indicate dissimilarity. Projecting your own emotion onto others is so very easy to do and so easy to sway. Mending there own emoting both by sympathy and empathy are higly dangerous. One might be dependent and hate others that do not do the same treatment. That's something most treasures can't even accomplish these days. Malice far more rousing that gentleness, human always define inreachable things like evil or words unseen yet spoken. As long as we that's enough. Coincident is but an illusion in this world. There is inevitability in everything. How about chances? A strange feeling...

The Feeling Is Just Absurd

I've fought with my own feelings. Fighting in the battle I don't even know if I'm going to win. The danger were I put myself into is to accomplish the dream to have someone who will protect me, love me and understand me; a person who will never let me go, living under his loving, warm arms, wiping the tears I'm shedding, mending my heart every time he bid a smile. That is my inherent to keep for my own sake. When I realize that I'm bringing the fool out of myself since the beginning, I felt the awkwardness of my selfish acts. I blame no one and I don't know if I have the right to say it's my fault. Not that I only want to loose it, but I also want everything about the feelings to vanish.

I've had enough with rejection, the sleepless night that haunts me; the feeling isn't just not normal even though it is the most wonderful thing in this world, but for me it cause only harmful feelings in my veins. I admit I become blind were in my thoughts it will change soon. I'm just helping myself to make the hurt go away, for me to feel better; the feeling is running away. But in reality it didn't, so I fell into a trap, stuck now to the feelings I thought it was real. Now, I'm the one who's in pain.

Am I relying on that? Or is just that I have that feeling of fear? Fear always taunting me. Why am I being like this? "I give up!" As far as I remember that's what I said to myself, to my heart, to my mind whenever I look at the mirror.

I never put period on it instead I choose, choose between the dream and the reality to make that dream real, choose between that someone or to never, I've got to choose choose choose!!! Since I'm standing now in the real world this is my chance to explore that world; the world I want to see, places I want to go and the adventure I want to reach out. I can't say I'm alone, there will always be friends around to knock with. I have to leave the feelings, leave what I have always left behind again and face countless opportunities in the future. So this is my hope, I might lost the battle, but I learn to stand knowing this is not my battle. Surrendering doesn't mean I'm weak is just the way of telling myself this is not my victory. There's always more battles ahead, prepare the armor and earheads in position.

This time I shouldn't let my guard down. I've become a coward and just stick to my comfort zone, AFRAID. Not anymore, when there's no way out, look up. Dreams, I am awake.

The Broad Side World

As I follow the journey of my reality in dream I've learned it can turn into what we called nightmares. From the reference of other human being and the way they live their lives. Me? I witness it all. Astonishing in my prospect. I, myself is a product of unfortunate living, born as a sinner and imperfect in every way. I am not rich or poor, I can't stand on my own feet but I shoud change the thought I can someday. That's the idealism and the fact; for me there's someone holding me to make sure I end up okay. But I wonder, when the actress said in this movie, "what will be my life in the near future? I want that life wearing a medal of achievement, a family and more... something I can gaze upon with the life I have right now from here to there.." That's not exactly what she said, but in the moment it caught me thinking maybe that is also what I want. I dreamed of a good life, but we all know disappointments are in the door. Expectations hurt, many of us say it and most us advice it. They say "don't expect too much!" am I hearing myself on this.

I am happy at the same time I'm not. It seems that the world where I'm standing and the world I'm always looking forward to see is inseperable. I made, I create, I chose within thousands of choices; decisions that leads to destruction. God knows that. I'm trying to live this life at its best, trying to cope up with changes and as much as possible learn to understand, learn to grow. Maturity, I'm always on the process and trying to progress. Immaturity in everything is my downfall. My mind is filled by thousands of questions, which sometimes fooled me a lot. During my quiet time I asked those questions to God in terms of How? When? Where? and Why? And if God is in my position what He will do? Or if other people are in my shoe what will they do?

I dreamed of I'm stuck in this large crowd and suddenly seeing myself lost in it, already trapped and can't get thru. I tried to say excuse, but no one hear me. As long as I stay there I can't leave. However, in the eyes of God I am not. I am running towards the exit and someone or something blocked along the way I gaze at the exit that seems moving far. I tried to reach it but it's too late. I hate nightmares that what I thought about a lot. That is the reason I also struggle to this life. I read a lot of books and heard a lot of stories, mottos, phrases, opinions, and comments in all my surrounding and resources. About what I think of other people because I'm affected and I have emotion. I'm not a rock or have a hardened heart in fact I'm weak when it comes to emotion. I can feel that's the problem.

There's this dream that I can feel so much in it, so much for real. I can hear people talk and laugh. And there's this dream where kids play and then one of them stumble and cried. Things turn out different in a flash I'm standing in a blissful meadow and I watch as trees dances with the wind. It was such a nice dream, a paradise.

I browse some stories that people wrote and made, I've learned that the people drives the world under the control of God everything falls into places or in line, according to "plan". The brain can't even answer most of our question like "what is the purpose of life?" The brain has its limit. It will provide information, yes! We search for facts and proofs. But for me I only get migraines when I think so much. Everything has its own limited functions and so that goes with the brain, with us. Example our heart the brain makes the heart beats. So when I quiet down myself my brain started to think, vision out, meditate on what I want to see, undergo what I want to feel, and then start to work to make it happen. Because of those hard thinking I wake up in realiy, I am fed up with my past, I can't bear and just fell asleep.

I am weak and stumble easily I can't say that all things happened to me is just a dream and thats it. When I realize some things in me good or bad I try to fix it to become better and not a burden. People die and leave you alone. I die, but I don't want to die empty inside. Living with a purpose is something all of us can achieve. Dreams can be a goal and nightmares can be a lesson. There will always be One who will never leave us nor forsake us. I maybe lost in the track but He said all the ways always leads to new one. Continuing my journey will lead me to greater things, I look forward and move forward.


note: I cut a lot of lines..

My Own Point Of View

There are things that aren't meant to be together, things that aren't fated for you to have. The life that we holding on might not work at all times. These are my dreams I keep, dreams I tried to remake. We don't even know the direction of our own path unless we are guided by someone or something like a map or a compass. People say it's destiny in every way you look at it. What I thought it is stupid! We can't control time, not exactly. I remember an anime movie it catches me a short phrase "Time waits for no one," I wonder. Its like a punch on the face (Bull's Eyes!). I never delibaretly give it an attention when it comes to time, valuing it, to the word time is gold, or time flies so fast till a friend shared me that movie. First, let me acknowledge the Director of that movie truly it was a good one, the plot of the story is amazing. I admire the creativity of it, the people behind it. Especially the sincerity of the frienship that flows in the movie.

The starting point of our life from the past, that continues till it forms present, and now every person's future lies in the changes of things we do both in the past and present to form the line of the future. But undoubtedly we don't possess the ability to predict the future; reality we can't because we base it on the present situation. You can't just put period on it and predicting is different from planning and even setting goals. I know it's in the hand of the one Who truly knows. Imagine a man standing in an intersection and in that person's head is a big question mark. The picture you form is a man who's lost, trying to think which path to choose. He doesn't know where to go that's the simple interpretation of it. So the image I want to say is that we start predicting when we fall in difficult situation, we PANIC. Then we say follies and stuff "now what?, "where will I go?" or "which way?" "blah, blah, blah, etc, etc." In my life I've been like that, always predicting then complaining and still I ask for directions. In that part, do I have to do that or just follow my instincts? If that so I can lead myself to a dead end and its doom to failure. I'm starting to a wrong point, my own selfish acts. So if that person enters into one of those path every one knows or no one knows what will be the end? Many times I've been there in the intersection of life, I can choose any path its the matter now of endurance and courage to step and continue till I reach the end; we need more than courage and endurance LIFE what more to take and to sacrifice? For me, I believe that I'll end up to the arms I'm always looking up for, because I know He is waiting in the end of every road two things: faith and trust. It will conquers the heart and mind that even in the darkest place He will never left you wondering through it.

I've been thinking about the things I did before, dreams I saw, things I regret and lost. It's my choice, my decision, and my great fall. With the people I've been with, share part of my life. As a result of my doings either I lost them or the changes can make them stay. In reality I'm wrong, no one can stay for a long time, they might vanished without a trace only memories I have with them stays. I try to understand and this mind can't hold of it, so many questions and I struggle that I am bound into it. I want to be set free in this horrible pace of life that disappoints me. According to some people I've talked to about this is that I want to have something that will trigger my life into an open and wider place. For me I want to start in the beginning; I want to find myself in this rejected part of me. I need a miracle. I heard some song that asking, "For now is it worth it to be sad? if its harder to be glad to be alive?" I wonder even more if this life I have now is something I can hold on more and longer. I felt I'm dying inside every time I stay alive. I made some troubles and I break a lot in this life. Wondering if I can fix it in my own bear hands. My senses are complete, but I felt the anxiety in every inch, I get lonely as I could feel the living.

I felt something, I wake up in the morning I gaze at the four corners of my room, plushies everywhere staring back at me giving those sweet looks. Tried to move on the other side reaching the curtains to see the blue sky if it is still there; being blinded by the smile of the sunlight. I am awake again in the reality, knowing I'm just dreaming again.

Nightmare's Awakening

She got the chance to fell in that deep slumber again. She waited long anough to be in such peace. Before, she almost drowned in things she's afraid when sleeping and sometimes its too late for her to survive or even wake up. Time that waits for no one; she sit there in that cold, dark room praying for her dreams, dreams she believed in. Somehow, fate insist to reveal her nightmares that gauge her out of reality. Hope, where is it? I wonder she fight in that place where fears and sorrows, pain and rejection, sadness and agony lingers in every corner. Slithering to get inside her. Eyes are blind, ears are deft, mouth can't speak. For me she's just a distort identity, a nothing, a no one.



Brawling to get out of that other side. However, terrified to fight how will peace going to conquer if she's afraid, afraid to stand. How will this end if fear conquers her. Poor thing and its petty to think. Such serene of mind, I do this in a conflict way. Observing, I thought if I do this, the side of me that I called her will be different somehow. I gaze at her in the mirror trying to find something to encourage her to do an entourage of this story, she's in there and I'm here. Different story same person. I realized that she is my nightmare; her face so peacefully staring at me. The pain hidden from her is just beneath those pillows, swarming, reaching for her. Looking upon the face that I recognize, she is full of scars. Face flooded with tears and every inch of her arms are bitten, with scratches and wounds. I felt bad about her, I know her, she is someone I am aware of long before. And suddenly I realize the person I'm seeing is my very own nightmare, she is my nightmare. I thought she's gone, I thought everything about her is gone, I didn't realize that she's with me again on my slumber. Gazing at the world different from the one I know, everything is in distress somehow I want to understand; I can see the struggles of her soul that lives inside her destructive body. Such petty and arrogance. The person I want to forget is here with me again.

To continue along, she must set aside the fear and be tough. Only faith she hold is her hope and strength. A weapon to face the war beyong the reality. When time comes she wokes up from that deep slumber greater battles is ahead, approaching her. For real war is at hand, holding both worlds. "Don't weep now, my child..."

What her nightmares? What are the realities she dreamed of? When everything ends, is it wonderful to watch the blue sky destroyed? Or watch the stars crash with her? If that happens, the things I'm afraid of become a reality do I still have a choice? That's probably death for me and before that I'll sing a lullaby, smell the breeze of the cool air and if there's still morning I still want to hear bird chirping like a normal days. Then turn around seeing those people who put smile on my face and spend it the time like I'll never have it again. There's another life beyond death I think. The person I know dreamed these things and in her deep sleep, I used to watch or look upon her, the things cover her both good and evil. I can't blame her if she's been through a lot. My fault to forget what I've been before. Gazing again back to her I am still questioned by her. Do I have to forget her? or say I will never again forget her. I just hope she will find a way out with the faith she believes that will save her.