A Story To Begin With

In my dreams and what I've always heard from reality life doesn't end in death. God knows, God guides, to have my will to choose what road I should walked in, falls in my decision. We have freedom, but His ways are greater mine. I talked to my discipler, she’s the wife of our pastor. I agreed to what she said, we can never feel any satisfaction or contentment in our entire life and never did even reach the peek of it (unless we're dead); that's what I felt every day and every moment. And for me life seems to be always at its end after a very long day. The hours of my sleep is like my own death there is my heaven and there is my hell "The World". We, somehow always feel the needs of more. I must say she's terribly right. I consider myself as uncontent person that I have the eagerness to do or have more. Am I against to myself? I’ve been facing many obstacles for the past few years, struggles in life to know at the point of it hey! I'm alive and still trying to be alive. That is the events I encountered in this life, my own physical & emotional survival then my spiritual survival. At any rate I shouldn't give up there some instances the three clashed and I can feel it, and then the decision I will make. The twinge is exaggerating yet overwhelming at the end.

Whenever I sit or lie down in my bed with the book in my hand and a song played at the stereo that makes an eerie feeling, I moved in it that routine or just watch a movie to kill time. There is always a sudden flash back about my life especially during the time when I was young. Well I already accept the fact that it is done and that I’ve already moved on, still I’m going to share it anyway. I’ve got lot to tell but I don’t know if I’m going to open everything up so I’ll say it in a different way.

Little by little I shared my tragedy on those people I know that I can trust with. My younger years are the most darkest events of my life. Well there’s another one but I’ll stick up to the other one and I'm telling it right now. That is my elegy and misery. I am born normal but I got sick and almost die when I was four. Thank God I’m still alive and writing this. I grow up normal, happy, playful, always painting a smile, making lots of friends, learning, opening my eyes to the world. I still remember how I enjoyed my childhood years together with my family and neighborhood-family like. I felt cared and loved by people surrounds me. Everyday they cuddle me and play with me, dolls, street games, a lot, but there's always some thing that will hurt me and break me. Like everyone says storm is always on its way. I thought I’m just illusive in these things but this terrible event really happened to me and every moment of my life I am ashamed of it, I hate it, I have that anger in my heart, because of it. A dark room was created; I build my comfort zone and hide in it, trying to be normal that nothing happened and I never cared at all, because I’m afraid, in my most inner self I am scared when things such hard to explain, tears just flow, like two trucks crashed within me. Every moment I hope for death to come. WORST and painful. I grew up with that wound.

It started to haunt me when I was in my elementary years. I felt an entire world jump on me. For years I thought it was just a dream, a nightmare, but I’m wrong. I seem to make my own different world within me, a big lie who I’m not just to be saved. Crazy it seems, but its true. And it began to break down and I can no longer continue with the lies and running. I'm helpless, depress, sad, and lost. But I continue to live, I’ve burst out and get angry with God and I let Him hear my cries. I met a friend, through her, I realize that even in the darkness someone will drag you out, then you’ll notice you're walking in the light. I am truly saved. However, it didn’t end. My nightmares, my dark past continue to hunt me till I enter college and it is worser than before. I admit I'm a bad influence and been intimidated by the world that I even used as my excuse. Much more sufferings I encounter. I forgot the brighter side, even I grief upon the name of the Lord, I thought that moment He turned away. The worst nightmare ever! How will I find the exit if in my self I’m already hindering to find it? I seek, and still believe. I chase, try to find the answer I know it was there. It takes me a lot of time to be shaken up. One by one the answer pop out of my head. I conquered my fear and try to share it with my discipler. I can see to her face that she was shocked about what I’ve been through, she share with me some things for me to cope with those events in my life. I tried to release it. But the fight is still on the process.

While I was doing this I think I just only make it in here on the age of 20 to realize that there is a big world out there and I need to discover more. I wonder what will happen next? I just need to keep moving to know. This is my story.

Dreams of Dreams

Do the lesser we think, do we started to be stupid? Or just drawn out and run from it? For me it depends, I’ve been on some situation and did different kind of things to surpass it. I didn’t get the chance to run away or hide. All I always do is go straight ahead without even thinking. So, these dreams either become my reality to go through and to be questioned the fact, an obstacle, a test paper, a pop quiz of my life, WHATEVER! Grinding my head for questions with no answers, so much for my nightmares. There is this song called Violet Skies sang by In this Moment. I want to emphasize the lines they created base in dreams to become it's realities.

Dulling from within to find a reason for it all
Lost for years
In the storm
Waiting for the rain to stop me from washing me away
I held on tight
Awaiting night

And I lay me down to sleep
And find a world where I was free

Imagine a place
Where dreams lead the way
And all of your colors fade the grey
Imagine the dream
Now close both your eyes
Fall into the violet skies

Deep inside your eyes it shows
You've been lost for too long
Out of touch
On the edge
I promise you will find a way
I found a pathway home
I'll carry you
You're not alone

Dreams that gives way, imagining things not to be lost and not to be alone. Creating a world that perfect and running away from reality is great, yet sad.

Wishful thinking that I am not here, confession of my deepest darkest secret. To be able to open in the public (front page!) what lies beneath me. A way to make my own wall that this is me. No! I want to sleep. Closing my eyes seeing darkness that impossible to erase everything. But, I never loose hope because I can face a brand new day again just like I always do when settling things in my life after a great tragedy. But according to the song imagine that leads a way. So I imagine a place where I can be free or a place where it can lead somewhere peace and no more agony that my heart drowning in too much. I’ve dreamed of my own world, a perfect world where in I create my greates escape, my feelings between the lines. I believe in that world of my own were serene conquers and tranquility spread through out in everything. It's just me and my dream world. A green grass covers the earth, field of flowers that dance in the wind, cold yet warm breeze; warm within my heart, beautiful sun and sky, tall and big trees; the sound of a river, sounds like a dream to me. A world I created for me to run.

Humans are the World's Strangest Creatures

There are indefinite things in this world that remain unexplained. No matter how wierd it is, mankind will always observe it. It will be always be so with mankind. It is the imagination and the past. Person, Mankind, People. People are world's strangest creatures. Sometimes I don't understand the way they feel in human, in things, in natures. For me it becomes random and uncertain.

I, you, them, people, person, EVERYONE! You don't belond only to yourself; there isn't anything in this world that belongs to only yourself. Everyone has connections to someone else and shared something with them through these; that is why you can never be free that is also why it is amusing, sad and dear. Giving up, saving others not for your own sake, but for others; how fascinating in sight. Is that a selfish in act? You, an important part of their life gets hurt just for their sake, just to make them feel better; but never some to realize that you hurt them by doing so throwing your own well-being out just like that. Do you think something you can throw out easily can be exchanged for something important? Even someone trying to give their best for you, trying their very hard, yet we just trhow that without a second thought. In other words the person that protect us from something you treat as trash like yourself for their sake, so you wouldn't care just make sure they're allright even you are harmed. People who think of you dearly; without even understanding that, you don't give any value to yourself. You dislike others being hurt, yet you allow yourself to be wounded; without even knowing how much it may hurt someone elese who cares for you, which is your proposition. Dreams, I dreamed more of it, somehow it's painful to watch, to see, to feel, and to realize how the world works upon living. It occurs to me that things will never work out not unless there is something for exchange.

Prophetic dreams, a dream that becomes reality, or more accurately, a dream that sees what is going to occur. Most people can buy dreams that is for good luck, I never thought of that. People who pay for nightmares are few and far between. If there are people who wish for tranquility it becomes a farewell present to the people who never breathe again.

Do you believe in destiny? Destiny refers to an event that would definitely happen. Without it nothing is impossible. From one thing, you see many other things can be imagined. Nothing in this world happened by random. For everything you desire, you have to pay an equal price in return. You can't get more nor give more... It can't be more or less. Must be in balance, or else there'll be mishaps. Whether it is a meeting by chance or a major event, every occurence will affect the future, because man's path of life is not only unstoppable but also never ending. The smalled thing, the shortest amount of time, the littliest piece of record or memory; the face that accompanies it will never disappear.

Me as someone that should not be here. Me someone should not be in people's lives. it's painful for me right now, it hurts even more inside.

What more is there be if everything is inevitable? There is meaning and purposes in everything that happens. However, is all too rare for anyone to understand the entire meaning. To find meaning in each of the unaccountable events happening everyday to every person it vexes the mind by considering it. However, even realizing that single event may have meaning in itself that alone has significance. I believe asking one self why has it's own meaning once you realize that all there circumstances leads you down a path, that knowledge sticks with you and you're unable to turn back. The next step is wherever you choose have that will to survive.

Allusions never indicates similarity nor do they indicate dissimilarity. Projecting your own emotion onto others is so very easy to do and so easy to sway. Mending there own emoting both by sympathy and empathy are higly dangerous. One might be dependent and hate others that do not do the same treatment. That's something most treasures can't even accomplish these days. Malice far more rousing that gentleness, human always define inreachable things like evil or words unseen yet spoken. As long as we that's enough. Coincident is but an illusion in this world. There is inevitability in everything. How about chances? A strange feeling...