The Feeling Is Just Absurd

I've fought with my own feelings. Fighting in the battle I don't even know if I'm going to win. The danger were I put myself into is to accomplish the dream to have someone who will protect me, love me and understand me; a person who will never let me go, living under his loving, warm arms, wiping the tears I'm shedding, mending my heart every time he bid a smile. That is my inherent to keep for my own sake. When I realize that I'm bringing the fool out of myself since the beginning, I felt the awkwardness of my selfish acts. I blame no one and I don't know if I have the right to say it's my fault. Not that I only want to loose it, but I also want everything about the feelings to vanish.

I've had enough with rejection, the sleepless night that haunts me; the feeling isn't just not normal even though it is the most wonderful thing in this world, but for me it cause only harmful feelings in my veins. I admit I become blind were in my thoughts it will change soon. I'm just helping myself to make the hurt go away, for me to feel better; the feeling is running away. But in reality it didn't, so I fell into a trap, stuck now to the feelings I thought it was real. Now, I'm the one who's in pain.

Am I relying on that? Or is just that I have that feeling of fear? Fear always taunting me. Why am I being like this? "I give up!" As far as I remember that's what I said to myself, to my heart, to my mind whenever I look at the mirror.

I never put period on it instead I choose, choose between the dream and the reality to make that dream real, choose between that someone or to never, I've got to choose choose choose!!! Since I'm standing now in the real world this is my chance to explore that world; the world I want to see, places I want to go and the adventure I want to reach out. I can't say I'm alone, there will always be friends around to knock with. I have to leave the feelings, leave what I have always left behind again and face countless opportunities in the future. So this is my hope, I might lost the battle, but I learn to stand knowing this is not my battle. Surrendering doesn't mean I'm weak is just the way of telling myself this is not my victory. There's always more battles ahead, prepare the armor and earheads in position.

This time I shouldn't let my guard down. I've become a coward and just stick to my comfort zone, AFRAID. Not anymore, when there's no way out, look up. Dreams, I am awake.

The Broad Side World

As I follow the journey of my reality in dream I've learned it can turn into what we called nightmares. From the reference of other human being and the way they live their lives. Me? I witness it all. Astonishing in my prospect. I, myself is a product of unfortunate living, born as a sinner and imperfect in every way. I am not rich or poor, I can't stand on my own feet but I shoud change the thought I can someday. That's the idealism and the fact; for me there's someone holding me to make sure I end up okay. But I wonder, when the actress said in this movie, "what will be my life in the near future? I want that life wearing a medal of achievement, a family and more... something I can gaze upon with the life I have right now from here to there.." That's not exactly what she said, but in the moment it caught me thinking maybe that is also what I want. I dreamed of a good life, but we all know disappointments are in the door. Expectations hurt, many of us say it and most us advice it. They say "don't expect too much!" am I hearing myself on this.

I am happy at the same time I'm not. It seems that the world where I'm standing and the world I'm always looking forward to see is inseperable. I made, I create, I chose within thousands of choices; decisions that leads to destruction. God knows that. I'm trying to live this life at its best, trying to cope up with changes and as much as possible learn to understand, learn to grow. Maturity, I'm always on the process and trying to progress. Immaturity in everything is my downfall. My mind is filled by thousands of questions, which sometimes fooled me a lot. During my quiet time I asked those questions to God in terms of How? When? Where? and Why? And if God is in my position what He will do? Or if other people are in my shoe what will they do?

I dreamed of I'm stuck in this large crowd and suddenly seeing myself lost in it, already trapped and can't get thru. I tried to say excuse, but no one hear me. As long as I stay there I can't leave. However, in the eyes of God I am not. I am running towards the exit and someone or something blocked along the way I gaze at the exit that seems moving far. I tried to reach it but it's too late. I hate nightmares that what I thought about a lot. That is the reason I also struggle to this life. I read a lot of books and heard a lot of stories, mottos, phrases, opinions, and comments in all my surrounding and resources. About what I think of other people because I'm affected and I have emotion. I'm not a rock or have a hardened heart in fact I'm weak when it comes to emotion. I can feel that's the problem.

There's this dream that I can feel so much in it, so much for real. I can hear people talk and laugh. And there's this dream where kids play and then one of them stumble and cried. Things turn out different in a flash I'm standing in a blissful meadow and I watch as trees dances with the wind. It was such a nice dream, a paradise.

I browse some stories that people wrote and made, I've learned that the people drives the world under the control of God everything falls into places or in line, according to "plan". The brain can't even answer most of our question like "what is the purpose of life?" The brain has its limit. It will provide information, yes! We search for facts and proofs. But for me I only get migraines when I think so much. Everything has its own limited functions and so that goes with the brain, with us. Example our heart the brain makes the heart beats. So when I quiet down myself my brain started to think, vision out, meditate on what I want to see, undergo what I want to feel, and then start to work to make it happen. Because of those hard thinking I wake up in realiy, I am fed up with my past, I can't bear and just fell asleep.

I am weak and stumble easily I can't say that all things happened to me is just a dream and thats it. When I realize some things in me good or bad I try to fix it to become better and not a burden. People die and leave you alone. I die, but I don't want to die empty inside. Living with a purpose is something all of us can achieve. Dreams can be a goal and nightmares can be a lesson. There will always be One who will never leave us nor forsake us. I maybe lost in the track but He said all the ways always leads to new one. Continuing my journey will lead me to greater things, I look forward and move forward.


note: I cut a lot of lines..

My Own Point Of View

There are things that aren't meant to be together, things that aren't fated for you to have. The life that we holding on might not work at all times. These are my dreams I keep, dreams I tried to remake. We don't even know the direction of our own path unless we are guided by someone or something like a map or a compass. People say it's destiny in every way you look at it. What I thought it is stupid! We can't control time, not exactly. I remember an anime movie it catches me a short phrase "Time waits for no one," I wonder. Its like a punch on the face (Bull's Eyes!). I never delibaretly give it an attention when it comes to time, valuing it, to the word time is gold, or time flies so fast till a friend shared me that movie. First, let me acknowledge the Director of that movie truly it was a good one, the plot of the story is amazing. I admire the creativity of it, the people behind it. Especially the sincerity of the frienship that flows in the movie.

The starting point of our life from the past, that continues till it forms present, and now every person's future lies in the changes of things we do both in the past and present to form the line of the future. But undoubtedly we don't possess the ability to predict the future; reality we can't because we base it on the present situation. You can't just put period on it and predicting is different from planning and even setting goals. I know it's in the hand of the one Who truly knows. Imagine a man standing in an intersection and in that person's head is a big question mark. The picture you form is a man who's lost, trying to think which path to choose. He doesn't know where to go that's the simple interpretation of it. So the image I want to say is that we start predicting when we fall in difficult situation, we PANIC. Then we say follies and stuff "now what?, "where will I go?" or "which way?" "blah, blah, blah, etc, etc." In my life I've been like that, always predicting then complaining and still I ask for directions. In that part, do I have to do that or just follow my instincts? If that so I can lead myself to a dead end and its doom to failure. I'm starting to a wrong point, my own selfish acts. So if that person enters into one of those path every one knows or no one knows what will be the end? Many times I've been there in the intersection of life, I can choose any path its the matter now of endurance and courage to step and continue till I reach the end; we need more than courage and endurance LIFE what more to take and to sacrifice? For me, I believe that I'll end up to the arms I'm always looking up for, because I know He is waiting in the end of every road two things: faith and trust. It will conquers the heart and mind that even in the darkest place He will never left you wondering through it.

I've been thinking about the things I did before, dreams I saw, things I regret and lost. It's my choice, my decision, and my great fall. With the people I've been with, share part of my life. As a result of my doings either I lost them or the changes can make them stay. In reality I'm wrong, no one can stay for a long time, they might vanished without a trace only memories I have with them stays. I try to understand and this mind can't hold of it, so many questions and I struggle that I am bound into it. I want to be set free in this horrible pace of life that disappoints me. According to some people I've talked to about this is that I want to have something that will trigger my life into an open and wider place. For me I want to start in the beginning; I want to find myself in this rejected part of me. I need a miracle. I heard some song that asking, "For now is it worth it to be sad? if its harder to be glad to be alive?" I wonder even more if this life I have now is something I can hold on more and longer. I felt I'm dying inside every time I stay alive. I made some troubles and I break a lot in this life. Wondering if I can fix it in my own bear hands. My senses are complete, but I felt the anxiety in every inch, I get lonely as I could feel the living.

I felt something, I wake up in the morning I gaze at the four corners of my room, plushies everywhere staring back at me giving those sweet looks. Tried to move on the other side reaching the curtains to see the blue sky if it is still there; being blinded by the smile of the sunlight. I am awake again in the reality, knowing I'm just dreaming again.

Nightmare's Awakening

She got the chance to fell in that deep slumber again. She waited long anough to be in such peace. Before, she almost drowned in things she's afraid when sleeping and sometimes its too late for her to survive or even wake up. Time that waits for no one; she sit there in that cold, dark room praying for her dreams, dreams she believed in. Somehow, fate insist to reveal her nightmares that gauge her out of reality. Hope, where is it? I wonder she fight in that place where fears and sorrows, pain and rejection, sadness and agony lingers in every corner. Slithering to get inside her. Eyes are blind, ears are deft, mouth can't speak. For me she's just a distort identity, a nothing, a no one.



Brawling to get out of that other side. However, terrified to fight how will peace going to conquer if she's afraid, afraid to stand. How will this end if fear conquers her. Poor thing and its petty to think. Such serene of mind, I do this in a conflict way. Observing, I thought if I do this, the side of me that I called her will be different somehow. I gaze at her in the mirror trying to find something to encourage her to do an entourage of this story, she's in there and I'm here. Different story same person. I realized that she is my nightmare; her face so peacefully staring at me. The pain hidden from her is just beneath those pillows, swarming, reaching for her. Looking upon the face that I recognize, she is full of scars. Face flooded with tears and every inch of her arms are bitten, with scratches and wounds. I felt bad about her, I know her, she is someone I am aware of long before. And suddenly I realize the person I'm seeing is my very own nightmare, she is my nightmare. I thought she's gone, I thought everything about her is gone, I didn't realize that she's with me again on my slumber. Gazing at the world different from the one I know, everything is in distress somehow I want to understand; I can see the struggles of her soul that lives inside her destructive body. Such petty and arrogance. The person I want to forget is here with me again.

To continue along, she must set aside the fear and be tough. Only faith she hold is her hope and strength. A weapon to face the war beyong the reality. When time comes she wokes up from that deep slumber greater battles is ahead, approaching her. For real war is at hand, holding both worlds. "Don't weep now, my child..."

What her nightmares? What are the realities she dreamed of? When everything ends, is it wonderful to watch the blue sky destroyed? Or watch the stars crash with her? If that happens, the things I'm afraid of become a reality do I still have a choice? That's probably death for me and before that I'll sing a lullaby, smell the breeze of the cool air and if there's still morning I still want to hear bird chirping like a normal days. Then turn around seeing those people who put smile on my face and spend it the time like I'll never have it again. There's another life beyond death I think. The person I know dreamed these things and in her deep sleep, I used to watch or look upon her, the things cover her both good and evil. I can't blame her if she's been through a lot. My fault to forget what I've been before. Gazing again back to her I am still questioned by her. Do I have to forget her? or say I will never again forget her. I just hope she will find a way out with the faith she believes that will save her.

I Have Something to Say

An emptiness I felt in my heart filled with unseen scenery. Reflecting of what will be my future is at stake. Some journeys are over, some adventures are close to an end, but not now I said. This is just the beginning, but why everyone’s leaving? The show is not over yet, for the main event waits. I’ve been held in this lifeless gulf with my sense of being a prisoner for so long. In beliefs, while my eyes shut I can hear oceans sing like a raging thunder, trying to break the silence of my unmerciful mind. I wonder if that thing I thought of is trying to break free trying to reach me. I wonder…

There’s this place I love to hangout with. I create my song, sleep, even read books. The guitar is with me, the pen and the paper is with me. I love music so much it sends tranquility through my soul and every time I hum a song along such wonderful melody I assumed, I can hear it, the song of everything. I can feel it, as the wind wafts it touches my skin that the music of its own slowly lullabies me. I can hear such wonderful harmony in my ears singing, I am a creation, a part of the amazing world, a part of great, unseen things. I write what I imagined even if it’s hard to put the right words I tried to write it down, I’m in awe.

I stood there asking is there more world beautiful than this place I’m gazing on? If yes I want to go there, I want to see that place and I want to feel it too. A world where I can be who I want to be, no more hiding, no more tears, and no more counterfeit people. I just wish and for that wish there's longing and from longing a hope is born. I wont hesitate to find what I'm looking for peace and what I longing for love. At this long road someone is holding me firmly but gentle. When He talks His soft voice makes me on my knees I knew I am loved by this someone.

There am I stanging, I stand in the middle of the crowd, looking forward to something, ideas to deal with; I’m in this crowded place searching beyond these thousands path. Can I use my instincts and guts? Then fall into a trap? I know the way will reveal it self, if that’s what I believed in; if I don’t make it works on me; one way to walk on, one way to discover. It’s a drag for me that I’ve been damage before, but I say it’s over with that gentle kiss it lessens the pain that’s stabs my soul deeply, throbbing, choking. I can still here it the beautiful song ever, the peacefulness that brought my soul and heart at ease.

My story has just begun, still wondering on my part, exploring what’s inside and out. I’ll just whisper it, it will be fun to listen. Maybe I compete in this life’s tragedy and commotion but a love who’s constantly embracing me leaving me no worry but to ease and rest.

Sleeping Dead Romantic

She closes her eyes with tears of despair. Agonize she felt astray. Wrecked, she was alone in the dark nothing but cold breeze rage, she shivers hugging herself for warm. Her knee close to her chest feeling the air that breathes in and out. No trust has left, fate vanish without a trace. Her beloved bid farewell she said.

He chose his path with regrets cover him, he walks with the thoughts of her endless, and numb he felt with no tears in his eyes. His heart wrecked with the last beat of it he knows his hours will come to an end eternal peace is at hand. Leaving her behind such tragic he can hear death knocking on the door and forgiveness is not enough. He’ll die without saying goodbye. Sweet words fade embracing his self on bended knees now with tears so warm it falls in his cheek. The pain he felt is nothing that feeling the pain much more when he left her in cold to death. It is time for him to rest he raise his hand in horizon at sight seeing her beloved smile, she reach as she trembles. Silent words spoken “I love you” they know that’s the closing of their stories. He fell with the bleeding heart; she fell alone in the dark with a frozen heart. Now they sleep with such romantic story yet tragic it ends.

Her Own Funeral

An early morning funeral in the midst of the garden; there she was holding her memories in trembling hands. The coldness of the sunset shivers her as she painted the night with tears of hopelessness. Holding herself with her knees close to her chest, face turn down in the ground. “How can this be a dream? A nightmare in my sleep.” A selfish thought come running through her mind, she listen but only silence answered back. As she remembers her own throbbing suddenly it started to rain. Drip, drip, drip she listen to the flow crushing down to the earth. She lifted hear head and look at the sky. It gave chills in every drop of it in her pale face. “Stop!” she whispered. She tries to stand and find a shelter. Running, running and there she found a small stage with a roof on it. Tired and almost out of breath she rest herself, just watching. Drip, drip, drip.

The rain stop as the darkness of the night creeps, covering the entire world; the moon rises with glow staring it makes her feel awe. Watch everything sparkles by the moon’s luminosity; she watches them glimmering. How beautiful to gaze at? As they seem grinning back at her. She dance even though drenched and cold she dance. With the smile on her face, hands held up high she suddenly bring to a halt. She notices something on the floor just right beside the stage, out of curiosity she started to walk there it was scattered roses on the ground; without realizing thorns at her feet. The pain of bleeding, she doesn’t mind, grabbing one “Lovely.”

Stuck by cruelty of the world asking inside when she will be free? Just dream, dream she will no longer return in their cruelty. A single hope can make a difference but the wounds that have been carved at her body, for years of entrapment makes the memories anxious at her; in thoughts letting her cry even more. Shamed and guilt cover her.

The death of her own soul leads to somewhere, her heart still grasping for anticipation and the ones she believe she will return with new life. Soaking wet, blood at her feet, tormented soul; she felt the sting but the pain inside is more agonizing. She is all alone and abused by the world. Sacrifices of love mend her hearts and the world laughs at her face. She closes her eyes and raises her hands above reaching the delight of what she feels above. She knows someone’s watching behind those clouds reaching out for her too. As she fainted through that cold midnight; She, with last breath those unfailing words “help me…”
Now trampled on the ground with eyes shut, she lies there dreaming. Tainted by the memories she wants to lose. In her most thrash adventure the world might forget, but the ones who left a mark will be remembered in a sense she only knows. Those last words of farewell only she can say. Now she leaves only for that dream with that someone with light caring her back home.