The Broad Side World

As I follow the journey of my reality in dream I've learned it can turn into what we called nightmares. From the reference of other human being and the way they live their lives. Me? I witness it all. Astonishing in my prospect. I, myself is a product of unfortunate living, born as a sinner and imperfect in every way. I am not rich or poor, I can't stand on my own feet but I shoud change the thought I can someday. That's the idealism and the fact; for me there's someone holding me to make sure I end up okay. But I wonder, when the actress said in this movie, "what will be my life in the near future? I want that life wearing a medal of achievement, a family and more... something I can gaze upon with the life I have right now from here to there.." That's not exactly what she said, but in the moment it caught me thinking maybe that is also what I want. I dreamed of a good life, but we all know disappointments are in the door. Expectations hurt, many of us say it and most us advice it. They say "don't expect too much!" am I hearing myself on this.

I am happy at the same time I'm not. It seems that the world where I'm standing and the world I'm always looking forward to see is inseperable. I made, I create, I chose within thousands of choices; decisions that leads to destruction. God knows that. I'm trying to live this life at its best, trying to cope up with changes and as much as possible learn to understand, learn to grow. Maturity, I'm always on the process and trying to progress. Immaturity in everything is my downfall. My mind is filled by thousands of questions, which sometimes fooled me a lot. During my quiet time I asked those questions to God in terms of How? When? Where? and Why? And if God is in my position what He will do? Or if other people are in my shoe what will they do?

I dreamed of I'm stuck in this large crowd and suddenly seeing myself lost in it, already trapped and can't get thru. I tried to say excuse, but no one hear me. As long as I stay there I can't leave. However, in the eyes of God I am not. I am running towards the exit and someone or something blocked along the way I gaze at the exit that seems moving far. I tried to reach it but it's too late. I hate nightmares that what I thought about a lot. That is the reason I also struggle to this life. I read a lot of books and heard a lot of stories, mottos, phrases, opinions, and comments in all my surrounding and resources. About what I think of other people because I'm affected and I have emotion. I'm not a rock or have a hardened heart in fact I'm weak when it comes to emotion. I can feel that's the problem.

There's this dream that I can feel so much in it, so much for real. I can hear people talk and laugh. And there's this dream where kids play and then one of them stumble and cried. Things turn out different in a flash I'm standing in a blissful meadow and I watch as trees dances with the wind. It was such a nice dream, a paradise.

I browse some stories that people wrote and made, I've learned that the people drives the world under the control of God everything falls into places or in line, according to "plan". The brain can't even answer most of our question like "what is the purpose of life?" The brain has its limit. It will provide information, yes! We search for facts and proofs. But for me I only get migraines when I think so much. Everything has its own limited functions and so that goes with the brain, with us. Example our heart the brain makes the heart beats. So when I quiet down myself my brain started to think, vision out, meditate on what I want to see, undergo what I want to feel, and then start to work to make it happen. Because of those hard thinking I wake up in realiy, I am fed up with my past, I can't bear and just fell asleep.

I am weak and stumble easily I can't say that all things happened to me is just a dream and thats it. When I realize some things in me good or bad I try to fix it to become better and not a burden. People die and leave you alone. I die, but I don't want to die empty inside. Living with a purpose is something all of us can achieve. Dreams can be a goal and nightmares can be a lesson. There will always be One who will never leave us nor forsake us. I maybe lost in the track but He said all the ways always leads to new one. Continuing my journey will lead me to greater things, I look forward and move forward.


note: I cut a lot of lines..