In my dreams and what I've always heard from reality life doesn't end in death. God knows, God guides, to have my will to choose what road I should walked in, falls in my decision. We have freedom, but His ways are greater mine. I talked to my discipler, she’s the wife of our pastor. I agreed to what she said, we can never feel any satisfaction or contentment in our entire life and never did even reach the peek of it (unless we're dead); that's what I felt every day and every moment. And for me life seems to be always at its end after a very long day. The hours of my sleep is like my own death there is my heaven and there is my hell "The World". We, somehow always feel the needs of more. I must say she's terribly right. I consider myself as uncontent person that I have the eagerness to do or have more. Am I against to myself? I’ve been facing many obstacles for the past few years, struggles in life to know at the point of it hey! I'm alive and still trying to be alive. That is the events I encountered in this life, my own physical & emotional survival then my spiritual survival. At any rate I shouldn't give up there some instances the three clashed and I can feel it, and then the decision I will make. The twinge is exaggerating yet overwhelming at the end.
Whenever I sit or lie down in my bed with the book in my hand and a song played at the stereo that makes an eerie feeling, I moved in it that routine or just watch a movie to kill time. There is always a sudden flash back about my life especially during the time when I was young. Well I already accept the fact that it is done and that I’ve already moved on, still I’m going to share it anyway. I’ve got lot to tell but I don’t know if I’m going to open everything up so I’ll say it in a different way.
Little by little I shared my tragedy on those people I know that I can trust with. My younger years are the most darkest events of my life. Well there’s another one but I’ll stick up to the other one and I'm telling it right now. That is my elegy and misery. I am born normal but I got sick and almost die when I was four. Thank God I’m still alive and writing this. I grow up normal, happy, playful, always painting a smile, making lots of friends, learning, opening my eyes to the world. I still remember how I enjoyed my childhood years together with my family and neighborhood-family like. I felt cared and loved by people surrounds me. Everyday they cuddle me and play with me, dolls, street games, a lot, but there's always some thing that will hurt me and break me. Like everyone says storm is always on its way. I thought I’m just illusive in these things but this terrible event really happened to me and every moment of my life I am ashamed of it, I hate it, I have that anger in my heart, because of it. A dark room was created; I build my comfort zone and hide in it, trying to be normal that nothing happened and I never cared at all, because I’m afraid, in my most inner self I am scared when things such hard to explain, tears just flow, like two trucks crashed within me. Every moment I hope for death to come. WORST and painful. I grew up with that wound.
It started to haunt me when I was in my elementary years. I felt an entire world jump on me. For years I thought it was just a dream, a nightmare, but I’m wrong. I seem to make my own different world within me, a big lie who I’m not just to be saved. Crazy it seems, but its true. And it began to break down and I can no longer continue with the lies and running. I'm helpless, depress, sad, and lost. But I continue to live, I’ve burst out and get angry with God and I let Him hear my cries. I met a friend, through her, I realize that even in the darkness someone will drag you out, then you’ll notice you're walking in the light. I am truly saved. However, it didn’t end. My nightmares, my dark past continue to hunt me till I enter college and it is worser than before. I admit I'm a bad influence and been intimidated by the world that I even used as my excuse. Much more sufferings I encounter. I forgot the brighter side, even I grief upon the name of the Lord, I thought that moment He turned away. The worst nightmare ever! How will I find the exit if in my self I’m already hindering to find it? I seek, and still believe. I chase, try to find the answer I know it was there. It takes me a lot of time to be shaken up. One by one the answer pop out of my head. I conquered my fear and try to share it with my discipler. I can see to her face that she was shocked about what I’ve been through, she share with me some things for me to cope with those events in my life. I tried to release it. But the fight is still on the process.
While I was doing this I think I just only make it in here on the age of 20 to realize that there is a big world out there and I need to discover more. I wonder what will happen next? I just need to keep moving to know. This is my story.
